Lol. Hope you’re happy doing the same thing you were doing three years ago, obsessing over some girl and abusing the drugz you stupid ass addict. Lol tried to help you, but I was just nothing to you so i peaced tf out and imdoingbetterthanieverwas
You tell him about your cuts and your issues. And he just says heeeeey with a sad face. Lmao. Because he told me I was crazy. He told me that SHE was crazy and that he made her do it. But you feel comfortable enough to tell him about that kind of stuff. Did he ever tell you about me? Oh I bet. I’m the crazy one. The one who took his suicide threats seriously. The one who cared enough to call for help when he said he was going to end his life. The one who crashed his garage. The one who held him when he broke down. The one his mother hated. The one that made him dinner and brought it to him each night. The one that, and the one that, and the one that. Do you know what it’s like to actually be hated? To actually be yelled at by someone you thought cared about you? I was actually hated. Not just rumored to be a bitch because I’m quiet. Actually. Hated. By someone. And that shit hurts. Because when your goal in life is to just make it and make someone happy, to actually be hated and for what? Because I cost you money for an ambulance that took someone who expressed to me that their life was going to end from drugs and alcohol? Do you know how easy it is to overdose? And then add alcohol to the mix? Do you know how that is lethal? Because it is. You should know. She should know. She is a medical professional. And instead of driving home and ignoring the issue, I said no. He needs a hospital. He’s trying to kill himself. And I was told every time you fight you call the police. No. I think that’s when I stopped believing his suicide threats. I am a good person, and I cared. But that’s when I stopped. That night in March. When I called the police from three hours away. And I was told stop this. Ok. Stop caring. Stop being scared. I think I did that day. I think I hung on to the person he used to be and that’s why I held on so long. But when I stopped believing, the power over me was erased. It dissolved. But why hate me? Is that what it’s like when something ends? Does it have to end in hate? Or can it just be civil. But why? No. You know what. It wasn’t normal. I’m thinking in terms of normalcy. But it wasn’t. It was drug-fueled, alcohol fueled. Rage fueled. Psychopathy fuelled. Which sucks because it set a precedent. But I’m strong now. I take no bullshit. I don’t let things get to me. And now I am ok.
I was home once from school, and I read an article from the POV of “the other woman” and I found out that she had a family that loved her, friends that cared for her, probably a cat she fed every night. So why did I hate her? I wanted to be her. Because she was enough for him. And I wasn’t. But what was so special about her? I kept asking myself, wondering. I even tried to convince myself once that, ok, maybe her being on the side won’t be too bad. But then I thought, wait, no. It’s not supposed to be like that. It’s just supposed to be me. I don’t even know where I’m going with this.
We were walking back to the train from Comic-Con and I saw a text from another girl calling him babe. And I just said “so Victoria calls you babe too?” But inside the Javits Center was like another world because he showed me attention, made me feel like his girlfriend. He told me he loved me a hundred times that day. And I told him “this is how I feel all the time when I’m with you” and he just said “really?”
Another time, I was sick, throwing up, from antibiotics from a UTI that HE gave me (the first of many because he lied about getting STD tested) and I went back to my dorm. And he made me take an Uber back instead of driving me and making sure I was ok. And he lied about going to work too that day. He really went to MC to “smoke a bong” but actually cheat on me. And I couldn’t even contact him because I left my phone at his house. I finally got in contact with him. And then he came and brought my phone back to me and he walked in and said “I realized that I am completely in love with you” and of course. That just made me feel like the most special person in the whole world. I swear. But then he was like I’m going to the city but I was still throwing up. So I couldn’t go. And he said I’m meeting ale there. He said I’m picking her up from the train and we’re taking my dads car around the city. And I wanted to go but I was afraid I would get sick and ruin it. But he went. And he said he would call me at 3 but he never called me. And then he came back and ignored me the whole time.
Once he asked me to go to an art show. And V and A were there, of course. And he actually let me look at the flier on his phone and I tried to scroll down but I didn’t realize it was just a screenshot and I swiped to a very very rude picture of a boy and girl. Sent to V. And I asked what was that and he told me he liked the colors. That’s why he sent it to her. The colors.
you better watch out
🎅 you better watch out
🎅
you better watch out
🎅
you better watch out
🎅
you bETTER WATCH OUT
🎅
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT 🎅 YOU BETTER WATCH OUT 🎅 YOU BETTER WATCH OUT 🎅
Fall afternoons just bring around a sense of guilt for me. Even though I’m doing wonderfully. I’m helping animals, which is my life’s goal. I have nothing to be ashamed for. But whenever I’m out late on a thursday morning, when everyone is at work or school, even though I have the day off, and as long as I do some kind of studying with my day, I should allow myself to sleep in and get brunch. And once in a while, I can waste the day, as long as I don’t waste every single day. Even writing this now is giving myself a sense of freedom.
gymbunnyamber